I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
