oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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