I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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