i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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