I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
