I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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