M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
