You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
