in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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