My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
