i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
