he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
