just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The ass gains better be worth it
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
