You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
