Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
