You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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