they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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