She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
