The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I need moral support for this bender
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
