All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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