I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
