life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
