she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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