Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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