The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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