dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
