Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
