Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Come on in and take your pants off
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