very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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