yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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