Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
