I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
