Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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