I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
