I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
