My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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