my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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