Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I could fuck to npr.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
