This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
