Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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