True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
