i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
