the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
