I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
