I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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