never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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