If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
