dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
