I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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