ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
