I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Walk of Shame today included voting.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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